What I wish I’d known from a husband who’s been through it.
Kate writes most of what appears here. But this piece isn’t hers. She’s handed it to Brent – TALIA’s technical architect, and the person who watched all of this unfold from the other side – because that perspective deserves its own voice.
About two years into what we now know was perimenopause, I said something to my wife, Kate, that I still think about: “I don’t recognise you anymore.”
To the outside world nothing had changed – she was still working hard, still holding everything together, still the person everyone relied on. But something had shifted in a way neither of us could name. She was angry, tearful, anxious. She felt bad about herself physically in a way that wasn’t her at all. She’d be a bit forgetful and lose a word mid-sentence and it was really unsettling her. She just wasn’t herself, particularly with me, but the kids were also walking on eggshells.
Then one night she woke from deep sleep with a severe panic attack. She’d never had one before. We put it down to stress, a difficult divorce and the fact that work was relentless. Life in your mid-40s is a lot. These felt like reasonable explanations, and they weren’t entirely wrong. But they were nowhere near the whole story.
Perimenopause is not one experience. Every woman’s journey through it – and the journey of the people who love her – is different. Kate never had night sweats – one of the symptoms most people associate with menopause. Her early symptoms included heart palpitations, anxiety, anger, irritability and tinnitus. Brain fog that made this sharp, competent woman doubt her own mind. Forgetfulness. Tearfulness. Physical changes that felt unfamiliar and unsettling. For another woman it will be something else entirely. That’s part of what makes this so hard to recognise.
I had no idea what was happening. I’m a man in my 50s. My mother will have gone through this. Women I’ve worked with will have gone through this. Nobody ever talked about it, and perimenopause simply wasn’t something I knew existed in the way I understand it now. I certainly didn’t know it can start in a woman’s late 30s and early 40s. Neither did Kate so we didn’t see it coming. That was us, for two years.
Two of Kate’s friends recognised it first, gently pointed out she wasn’t her usual self and that it could be hormonal. The light went on, we started to research and suddenly we were aware of menopause information everywhere. It’s amazing how messages don’t land until you are ready to receive them. Not long after this she was prescribed HRT.
Starting HRT is the beginning, not the end
If your partner is prescribed HRT, don’t expect it to be an instant cure. Getting the dose right takes time – months, sometimes longer. There were weeks where things felt better, then weeks where they didn’t. It requires patience from both of you, and it requires tracking: knowing what’s changed, when it changed, and whether a shift in how she feels relates to a change in dose or format.
Why I built her an app
I’ve spent 25 years in global app development so it made sense I would look for an app that might help her manage it all. The problem was I couldn’t find one I could trust. I’ve built large-scale data collection systems – loyalty programmes. I know how those systems work commercially. Most health apps – including most menopause apps – are built on the same model: free to use, funded by the data their users generate. Health data, symptom data, the most personal information a woman logs every day. Most users don’t know this. Kate didn’t, until I explained it to her.
So I decided to build an app that was different – totally private, on-device. Nothing leaves the phone. There’s no server, no third parties. The value is in the tool, not in the data. You can read more on this (very important) topic here.
We built the functionality around her actual experience: tracking symptoms over time so patterns become visible, managing HRT schedules and reminders for complex routines (gel, patches, progesterone phases – it’s more to manage than people realise), monitoring sleep, and generating a structured report she can take to her doctor. A timestamped, pattern-visible record that gives a clinician something to work with in a 10-minute appointment. We had clinical input and a host of beta users – their feedback was essential to how TALIA developed and we welcome feedback from our users now.
What I wish I’d known as a husband
I’m someone who solves problems. When something isn’t working, I want to find the cause and fix it. Perimenopause doesn’t work like that and it has taken patience and understanding from both of us. Men need educating about perimenopause just as much as women do. Not so they can fix it – they can’t – but so they can stop blaming themselves, stop taking it personally, and start being useful rather than just confused. The earlier you understand what’s actually happening, the better you can show up for her.
Women in midlife are often exhausted and even looking for an app can feel like an extra thing ‘todo’. But using an app like TALIA takes the mental load off them. I built it to work with this life stage – as few taps as possible and reminders to break through the fog.
Common questions about perimenopause
Is my wife perimenopausal?
There is no single test that settles it, and perimenopause looks different for every woman. It can begin in the late 30s or 40s, often years before periods stop. If you have noticed a cluster of unexplained changes over months, such as shifting moods, anxiety, broken sleep, memory slips or changes to her cycle, it is worth considering, and worth a conversation with her GP. Tracking the changes over time makes that conversation far easier.
Can perimenopause cause anxiety and panic attacks?
Yes. As oestrogen and progesterone fluctuate, they affect the brain chemistry that regulates mood, so anxiety is one of the most common perimenopause symptoms. Around one in five women experience anxiety during this time, and for some it can bring on panic attacks, sometimes with a racing heart, dizziness or chest tightness. Johns Hopkins Medicine and the NHS both describe this link.
Can perimenopause start in your 40s?
Yes, and often earlier than people expect. For most women it begins in their mid-40s, though it can start in the late 30s, and it usually lasts several years before menopause itself. Because it arrives while life is already busy, the symptoms are easily mistaken for stress.
Related reading
People and organisations we trust ·
Why perimenopause is so often missed · Common symptoms of the menopause · How to rate symptom severity
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